At the end of a recent Board of Aldermen meeting, I used my few minutes of closing remarks to recognize October as Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It took less than two minutes, but the conversation it started deserves more room than that.
Here is the number that should stop all of us: more than half of New Hampshire's homicides are tied to domestic violence. According to the state Department of Justice, 44 people were killed in domestic violence homicides in New Hampshire between 2022 and 2025. Twenty were killed by an intimate partner. Twenty-two were killed by a relative.
Those are not statistics from somewhere else. They are our neighbors, coworkers and classmates. For every life lost, there are many more people living with abuse right now, often in homes we drive past every day, where nothing looks wrong from the outside.
When most people picture domestic violence, they picture bruises. Sometimes that is what it looks like. But abuse is about power and control and it often starts long before anyone raises a hand.
It can look like punching holes in the walls. Destroying your belongings. Tracking your phone, reading your messages or showing up wherever you go. Belittling you until you start to believe it. Controlling every dollar. Slowly cutting you off from friends and family until there is no one left to call. Threatening the children, or the family pet, to keep you in line.
None of that leaves a mark a doctor can photograph. All of it is abuse. Because it is harder to see, it is easier for everyone, sometimes including the person living it, to explain away.
As a survivor, I know that abuse thrives in silence. Silence tells the person being hurt that they are alone and no one will believe them. It tells them they deserve it. It tells everyone around them that it is none of their business.
Stigma does the rest. Survivors still hear "Why didn't you just leave?" far more often than abusers hear "Why did you do that?" As long as the shame lands on the person being hurt, people will keep hiding it. Speaking openly, as a survivor and as an elected official, is how I try to move that shame to where it belongs.
So what can the rest of us do?
We can believe people when they tell us. We can stop asking why someone hasn't left and start asking how we can help. We can learn the signs that aren't bruises and check in on the friend who has quietly stopped coming around. Employers, faith leaders, teachers and neighbors are often the first people a survivor trusts. A calm, nonjudgmental response can be the difference between someone reaching out again or going back into silence.
If you recognize your own relationship in what I've described, whether you are the one being mistreated or you are worried about the way you are treating someone you love, there is always an opportunity to stop the cycle.
We almost never speak to the people causing harm, but we should. Some people who hurt the ones they love grew up watching it and were never shown another way. That is not an excuse. It is a reason change is possible. Noticing the anger, the need to control, or the fear in your partner's eyes, and deciding to do something about it, is where that change begins. The National Domestic Violence Hotline takes calls from people who are concerned about their own behavior. Reaching out is a sign of strength, not weakness.
If you are the one being mistreated, it is not your fault and you do not have to figure it out alone.
Help is available, and it is confidential:
• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788
• New Hampshire Domestic and Sexual Violence Hotline: 1-866-644-3574, 24 hours a day
• Bridges, right here in Nashua: 603-883-3044, 24 hours a day
I speak openly about this so the next person doesn't have to carry it alone. Domestic Violence Awareness Month ends on Oct. 31. The silence shouldn't wait that long to break.
You are not alone.
Alicia Gregg
Nashua, N.H.
Alicia Gregg is an Alderman-at-Large for the City of Nashua and the State Representative for Nashua Ward 7. She writes about surviving domestic violence at survivingtheundertow.com.
About Community Voices Thoughtful perspectives from our community
Community Voices is where Nashua residents share their views on local issues, and community concerns. We welcome opinion submissions that are civil, fact-based, and relevant to our city. Submissions are subject to editing and must include the author's name and local connection. Join the conversation at news@nashuaindependent.com.
